Red-dy or not!

Every now and then the urge comes upon me to dye my hair a bright and alarming shade of red. (Okay technically ‘traffic-cone-orange’ might be a bit closer to the correct colour, but red requires less typing out).

Many folk believe I do it to get attention or to appear weird and quirky. (Which I do, why lie about it)? But to me the most important part (besides being able to stop traffic as I get mistaken for a red robot for the umpteenth time), is that I find it a really lovely way to let out my self expressionalism! < - - which I suspect might not be a real world but let’s gloss over that for now.

It’s not just about being noticed or getting attention. If I wanted that I could flash some of my 20 odd tattoos for a much more satisfying ooooooooh-ing or even just leap onto all fours and go running after school kids! (Though I hear that often ends badly…). It’s just something I think all humans have to do at one time or another (or repeatedly) through out their lives! Whether it’s colouring your hair, wearing the latest trends (or specifically not wearing them), or popping on flashy jewelry that makes you look like a washed out rap groupie, or piercing your eyeball or to whatever helps give you that feeling that you are uniquely you!

So saying I am now off to play with the hair dye! I have to bleach my hair first (And might I say I make a dang fine blonde but alas, I’ve just never been able to come to terms with having hair that looks the same colour as over fried noodles). Once bleached I add the red dye so that the colour isn’t red but RED!!!! All the chemicals are frankly quiet stinky and sometimes I have to run to the open door and breath in great shuddering lungfuls of air that don’t smell like “Tequila Sunrise”.

More often then not, due mostly to over-enthusiasm, I end up with a dandy, super -noticeable orange smear all around the lower part of my scalp and hairline. It washes away in a few days but if ever there was a time people suddenly seem to pay attention to your hairline it will be then. Sometimes though people will come up to me and say, “I can tell you dye your hair” as though they’ve discovered I wear shoe lifts, or get Botox or had my butt plumped up ala J Lo. I then wonder, oooookay, the extreme ultra-orange-red-beaming-neon- Bethlehem-star-bright-look-alike bit didn’t give it away first? But I just nod and smile anyway (It saves time from having to patiently explain that I’m not descended from a line of roguishly good looking circus folk).

Mind once having bright red hair would really have made you stand out in a crowd, these days though, it’s nothing new. (In fact from what I’ve seen little old ladies hold the record, having bright blue, red and purple rinses that would make KISS think they’re Over The Top!)

It’s just all about being who you are and how you want to be! So why not try something new to express yourself? And don’t worry how people will take it, those who matter won’t mind and those who mind? Don’t matter! ^_^

Slave me!!!

Xmas nears and yet some of us have to still work even at this late a date! To toil and slave away to earn our pay while others sit at home and relax, drinking beer and scratching places you can only really get to in the comfort of your own home…

Okay admittedly I am one of those people at home, but those near and dear to me have to work, and, having done it before, I know how they feel! (Which is why I never, for example, leap out at Ursh and poke her hard with a stick and go, “Hey why so grumpy!??” its added years to my longevity!)

But to work during the holidays? It’s a bit torturous in a way because everything becomes so quiet. It’s not like many people get loaded down with work, gosh no time to chat, busy busy. Mostly you just seem to spend the time playing solitaire or looking up “girl on girl” surreptitiously on the internet. (For research of course!)

In fact it’s more almost like an endurance marathon of the mind. Your sanity vs. the hours upon hours of nothingness that surround you, envelop you, suck out your will to liv…no no, come back from that dark edge man!!

Tick tock tick tock, ten minutes after you checked your computer clock you realize it’s only been 2 minutes. Time seems almost to be flowing backwards, or in funny little repeating squiggles and figure of 8’s, and no drug high you’ve ever been on messes with your head more!

Thrilling only comes around each time you have to go to the loo! Done right you can stretch each session to 15 minutes or so as long as your delicates and the toilet paper can hold out!

What’s worse is that everyone else around you always seems to have something to do. They’re plopping way at the keyboards looking intense or, to mock you of course, laughing happily and there you sit, blank screen, blank mind, blank blank.

You then start thinking of all the people out there having so much more fun then you (Even though you try to convince yourself that building Paper Clip Mountain is cooler anyway…)! You picture them laughing with their families, eating out, sitting on the beach. Until a huge tsunami wave hits and crushes them to smithereens and suddenly it’s not so funny anymore hey? Hey?? < - - fantasies like this are usually a good indication of when it’s time to lay off the coffee…

And is it me or is it the last hour of the day that seems to drag on to all eternity? The way some people (who aren’t working!), get to experience a little piece of heaven with their small daily joys, so you get to wallow in an almightily fat slice of Hell. On. Earth!!

Eventually the end of the day will roll around, usually half an hour or so after your last hope of salvation has died, and you get to pack up and go home. If you’re lucky it’s your last day and suddenly that sweet feeling of freedom comes upon you and you know what, suddenly the day doesn’t seem that bad after all!

IF you’re coming back tomorrow though….Hey! Hey! Now just put the shotgun down and let’s talk this over…!! EEEEK!!!

Beating the Xmas rush with a stick!

Ah Christmas and all the joys that goes with it. Fat Santa’s, deformed reindeer, time off work and, because everything has a down side, family!!

I’ve noticed a curious thing. On Christmas people seem to go out of their way to buy presents for other people whom they ordinarily wouldn’t even want to give a cold to. It’s like something overrides their common sense and the need to give a showy gift overtakes them mercilessly, while inside they’re silently screaming, “Ha, I hate you but look what I got you, aren’t I a nice person? Aren’t I? AREN’T I???”

A big thing about Christmas is of course The Shopping! Now if you don’t do this early you’ve pretty much set yourself up for the sort of punishment only reserved for people who leave their cell phones on during a movie, in the depths of hell! Going to shopping markets that are so full it takes 40 minutes to find a parking spot, if you’re lucky, and then only because you managed to squeeze your car in ahead of an irate housewife, her snotty brood and their oversized jeep.

Then you have to brave the crowds, all of them as desperate as you are to find something good, something cheap and something NOW! You’re dodging old guys lost in thought (5 points), teens trying to out cool each other (10 points) and avoiding housewives who’ll mow you down with a trolley as soon as look at you. (Especially if you stole their parking space! Oh oops did I do a reverse Wheelie on your spine? Hahaha! – GAME OVER!)

Then you still have to find a present. Now women are easy. When in doubt buy a bath set (They’ll always smile and say thank you and then go and re-gift it to someone else) or chocolate (gods way of saying – loophole!) Guys are harder. I like giving funky socks that way if they don’t want them I can have them! Goodies baskets full of dried meats from unidentifiable sources and some dehydrated fruit that may be older then your daft Grandad Nammy work as well. If you absolutely can’t think of anything then you might have to resort to the holiday bonk. (Please note this does not work with acquaintances or relatives unless you are in the Brakpan area….)

Putting up the tree can be its own source of fun. For some reason this is the part where adults think kids are best suited to help out, proving yet again that hopeful optimism beats common sense hands down. Let’s get the smallest, clumsiest humans to put on the fragile, breakable ornaments handed down from generation to generation and irreplaceable, there’s smarts for you! And you just know someone else is invariably going to get twisted up in the lights or fastened to the tree by tinsel and require the Jaws of Life to get out!!

But I will admit that Christmas morning is a lot of fun! You’re acquisitive instincts have kept you up half the night and now it’s time to go downstairs and start ripping things open! (Ideally presents…)

If you’re lucky you’ve gotten what you wanted. (This basically entails dropping a few hints here and there to the respective party – ideally in 40 meter tall neon writing with little flashing lights!) Failing that you probably will end up with a lot of chocolate or just a holiday bonk.

(It can be a bit annoying mind when you had to fight off twenty rabid mothers to get little Jimmy his “commando death raider” only to be told that’s what he wanted LAST year! Strangulation can be fun but it really causes more problems then its worth as the toy is seldom refundable).

Then comes dinner time and the seating of family! This task takes wit, courage, intelligence and the ability to out maneuver Napoleon in battle strategy and cunning. You have to make sure Uncle Pete isn’t sitting next to Aunty Anne after their nasty divorce that involved a lot of hard feelings, anger and both of them bonking the Secretary. (Her holiday present – she would have preferred chocolates…) and to making sure your sisters don’t get together and start hair pulling and howling about how X stole Y’s boyfriend in the 3rd grade.

One thing I wonder about is why does everyone cook turkey on Christmas? Since when did it become the be all and end all of Xmas dinners? Maybe somewhere in the bible Jesus says, “Hey Judas old bean, pass us a turkey drumstick and let’s get this party started?”

I just think its funny cause I’ve been at tables where only two of the ten people actually liked turkey, but sure enough everyone ate it, because… it’s Christmas! Wonder what would happen if sheep’s head had been the dish of choice? “Why I do love a robust eyeball my good fellow!”

Then you have to hope no one topples the gravy, gets onto an awkward topic (“So how are those piles of yours my dear”?), or ends up “borrowing” all the good silver.
By the time everything is said and done you know two things for sure!

1. You’ll never ever do that again!!! And
2. You probably will

So to those of you who will attempt to survive a family Xmas this time of year, good luck to you and may you always have a weapon within reaching distance! For those of you having Christmas alone, well no need to boast about it!!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a yeah right! ^_^

Model number 001

"Oh! You like cats? I love them!!", she gushes, while the rest of us are all a bit lost for words. We know her history. She’s never had a cat, may even be allergic and remarked just last week that the Chinese way of serving them with chips and a green salad would be the only thing cats were good for, but now, heck yes, just like you, she ADORES cats!!

Don't you find phony people just a bit much? Imitation might be the sincerest form of flattery but when taken too far it becomes the sincerest form of psychosis! And some folk are so phony they should have a "made in china" label branded to their feet!

I've always wondered what goes through the minds (we shall assume they have them) of chameleon people who try to imitate others rather then just being themselves. Cause see the thing is, that no matter how long they hold the pretence up sooner or later the cracks are going to show. The Imitator will slip up, or get caught in lies, or start getting over intense so that they end up boiling your favourite pet rabbit on the stove when you do something they think you shouldn't have. I've lost more friends that way...

The worst sorts then go ahead and have a mix with equal measure one part phony, one part pretentiousness. The sort who'll go out and buy “The Secret” and then confidently tell you they'd never follow a popular trend! The sort who talk of how deep, how emotional, sensitive and intelligent they are, how they follow the flow of the universe and are in touch with their inner aardvark. (They're often easily recognizable by their "mysterious air" created by their own “unique” fashion sense involving too many scarves and not enough bathing! )

Has anyone ever noticed that for all these intensive deep thoughts they never seem to move on or get anywhere? They never change or use their “super magic mind powers” in anyway? And isn’t it curious how their vast depths and gut feelings they talk of look remarkably like the stuff written on that inspiration quotes page you got forwarded last Wednesday?

I wonder why they do it, flitting from person to person, getting caught out, and moving on again, effortlessly latch onto something else and attempt to be like them instead. Being themselves seems to never enter the equation, perhaps from fear of rejection? Perhaps from arrogance, or perhaps from just having too many bats in their crowded, poop lined belfry?

I suppose the fake and pretentious will always be with us, cuddling our cats as they scream inside, telling us how wonderful we are then running to another friend and telling them how much we suck, like totally, and then running back to us to do the same. (Meaning if nothing else they’re extremely fit with all that exercise...)

What is the point of all this that I wrote? Actually really not a thing it was just on my mind and I thought it might look spiffy on “paper”. Fake people are just another variety of the weird and wonderful you get out there and I felt they deserved a turn in the spotlight. Aaaah, so giving I am! < - - said in best Yoda voice.

The joys and heart aches of the daft blogger!

Okay I have finally managed to not be totally crushed by the lack of comments my blogs get. I guess in the end I'm just happy to have my thoughts out there and know that someone, somewhere is reading them!
(Well hopefully that someone isn't locked in a basement with an arrangement of sharp knives, giggling happily to himself and whispering, "soon me pretty, soon!!")
O_O

I think everyone out there wants to be able to express themselves, whether it's by singing, or doing well in work, or painting or letting one rip on a crowded train! (Which I must admit is a from of cruelty hard to parallel!!)

For me its this blog because I can write whatever interesting thoughts go whizzing through my brain or tunneling about my cortex. And I've found that it is actually quiet interesting to go read other people's blogs as well! I get all sorts from the terribly interesting to the mind-numbingly boring, it's all part of seeing what other people do and get up to in their lives.
(And trust me, humans are wickedly messed up, reading blogs does teach you all sorts of things that will haunt you at 2am in the morning!)

So if you do read this and you're not up for commenting, I don't mind. Feel free to leave your blogs link or the link of an interesting page or news media. (Er, not porn though, there's plenty out there I can find for myself should the urge to go totally against my nature hit me! ^_^)

Now lets go see what people are getting up to and who's evil twin has amnesia and can only write "BURBLE" on their shared blog!
Hi ho Silver away!!

Riding the Road Hog

This year we got to take part in the Motorcycle Toy Run in Joburg, hooray! We’d often seen the bikers zooming off into the sunset (well okay at 9am that might be a slight exaggeration), with a proud and noble looking teddy bear strapped besides them, it’s legs and arms flapping in the breeze like a balletic, full on epileptic attack. Magnificent!
Having no bike though we could only watch from afar, wondering...

But this year Ursh’s sister, who has risen a greatly in my esteem, told us that if we wanted to do the Run, we could borrow her scooter to do it on! Now some folks might turn up their nose at a tiny tinker-toy scooter but to us, the bike-less peons, it was like a saving grace in our hour of need! VIVA!!!

We took it on a test drive up the driveway Friday night, which admittedly was the best thing we could do. If a person can stay attached to the bike over those lumps, bumps, potholes and roving bricks, then a road wouldn’t be a problem at all. I managed to not only stay on but to perfect my “Clinging-terrified-bush-baby” pose just perfectly!

It was lovely fun riding to carnival city on Sunday and watching bikers gather for the start. Big bikes, small bikes (Ours being one of the smallest), ugly bikes, chunky bikes, bikes that cost more then the gross national product of a small but affluent country, bikes that were older then god, bikes shaped like skeletons, bikes in bright colours, bikes bikes bikes! I think it took all of Ursh’s will power not to go mad, running about the parking lot, singing and skipping – and me without a Trank gun...

The ride to Nasrec show-grounds was about an hour. It was very thrilling! We were passed by pretty much every rider, but this gave us a chance to properly ogle their machinery (and cute toys – I must have them all!!) so it was just a bonus. Though by the time we hit the show grounds we were mighty glad to “meet up with our chums and take the weight off our bums!”

It was the going home that really got us in the end...er...so to speak. We had to go the long way home so as not to jump onto the highway and into the arms of certain death. But oh, did my rear feel every bump and knob in the road! We actually had to stop off at a pet shop and wonder through it to give our aching muscles time to recover. Oh look a hamster [Aaargh my legs!!] and what a sweet kitty [The pain! The pain!)
The last stretch was mildly brutal and when I finally got home and was able to sit down in a couch that didn’t bounce, with some ice cold fruit and mushrooms – heaven made itself once again present on earth for a few blessed moments!

And so begins our plots and plans to save, to starve and to strive for our own perfect 2 wheeled machine! (To get me more receptive to the idea Ursh let me drive the bike for a bit round the front yard – I fell off, but I like to think it was in a skilful way...)

Here’s to dreams and making them come true!!!

We are (d)one!

I actually have nothing to write about at the moment.

Okay that’s a lie

Okay so is that.

No wait, right the first time.

Sometimes though the blank “paper” of a Word Document just cries out to me! Piteously! And I want to run to it and hug it and squeeze it and fill it with decorative words that will just make everything all better!! (Though I find that if people catch you at the hugging and squeezing it can sometimes lead to awkward questions and bad tasting medication…!)

Besides there’s nothing worse then a blank empty page.

Okay again I have to amend that. There’s tons of things worse! Theft, Murder, Investment Fraud, Torture with a cold spoon! In fact when you think about it, pretty much everything is worse then a blank empty page!!

So alright then let’s say a blank page is rather annoying. It just sort of sits there. And even when you turn the computer off, you know, just like easy access porn, it’s just waiting there for its moment to pounce when you least expect it! (And I do mean that porn reference I swear you type in “Girl with horse” and the pics that pop up are not only rather disturbing but highly uncomfortable looking for all involved – wait a minute – mother??)

Mind I suppose that windows can keep coming up with blank pages faster then anyone could ever hope to fill them? On and on, more and more, until you’re totally swamped, well at least electronic wise – my god, Windows is a monster!!

Time to break free! To just say no! To go do something extreme like read a book or get a life and leave the computer alone! No more being ruled by electronic things! We can do things for ourselves! (Mind the online dictionary is great, so is spell check and the calculator can’t be beat, and Facebook is so fun and…)

I’ll quit tomorrow.

Best Nest Soup?

Okay this is just a wondering, have you ever heard of the saying, “A Fish can love a Bird, but where would they live? Usually used when someone overly righteous is trying to point out a bad match, especially in things like mixed religion, race or even, ironically, same sex relationships. (Which wouldn’t that be like saying, oh yeah well if two birds loved each other where would they…hmmmn…)

Anyway I was just thinking that if life were a bit more flexible then who knows what would become of that relationship? If nothing else then the bird can sing sweet songs about it’s unrequited love, and sign a record deal, and go on to be famous and leave the fish behind, who will then write an angry biography and take to drinking (Well More drinking then a fish already does…) and telling bitter tales of all the hurts done to it to the media. Hey if it’s an American fish it could probably sue the bird for false pretenses or raising unexpected expectations – heck it’s probably already been done!

Just something to think about.

Feeling the er heat?

Our heater died today. Please! Contain your sympathy! Though it is a crushing loss we are managing to survive okay though it did come upon us suddenly. (Luckily on the last day of the cold spell just before summer hit us again mercilessly, hahaha, victory!!)

Yes well anyway...

I was just thinking about the years we’ve owned that old oil heater and how we’ve taken it everywhere with us. It’s even been to Durban and back! (Where, admittedly, we used it very little, the extreme heats of Durban ensuring it pretty much acted like an extra table for the two years we were there).

So what does this really have to do with anything? Well I was just thinking how attached a person can get to an inanimate object weather it’s useful, like a cell phone or computer or much loved heater, to something like a toy for a child or a lucky rabbit's foot,(that’s all stained and foul and god you really should throw it out)! You sort of take these things for granted, expect them to last for ages and then one day, POOF, they’re not there anymore!

And yes there’s a deep and meaningful statement there about life and love and accepting that loss happens and not taking things for granted and other fine things you’re welcome to interpret or misinterpret. Me? I’m off to buy a new heater. Something’s are just that, things and easily replaced! Probably some deep meaning in that too! ^_^

The Beginning of something Brilliant...maybe....

Nothing quiet like having a big ol' empty white page in front of you that just makes you want to leap at it, slathering like a mad thing, and fill it with words with joyous abandonment!

Wolf, egg, Oros, limber, Korny, Razzmatazz, Bonkers, Fweep, Lint, Oraginum and damn it all, Banana!!!

Ohmigod that felt good, I feel like I should be smoking a cigarrette and asking, "Was that as good for you as it was for me, baby?"
(This is the part where you give an uneasy giggle and save my feelings by going, "Oh you know you're the best ever...") ^_^

But I do love to write! I'm never sure what though and I'm so horridly fickle that any attempts at writing stories usually ends up in flames! (Well okay not really since it's on the computer and people get touchy about you torching their equipment but close enough).

So what better way to practice then to start a blog? Yeah okay greatest origional idea it isn't but someones already invented Post-it notes so there goes any other hopes of glory I might have!

So please stick with me as I sort out all these funny things that go flash flooding through my head! Life is always so vastly entertaining that I think, just recording it alone, should make for some interesting reading! (Well my life is vastly entertaining but I figure that might just be the Fructose talking. Vast amounts of sugar running through your blood is fun.... >_<)

Oh so how do you end a blog? Do you say the end or sprout some tired overused cliche or get beamed up by aliens (Those anal probes are so cold...er....so I'm told...)
Yeah I think it might be time to go now!
Ciao