Beating the Xmas rush with a stick!

Ah Christmas and all the joys that goes with it. Fat Santa’s, deformed reindeer, time off work and, because everything has a down side, family!!

I’ve noticed a curious thing. On Christmas people seem to go out of their way to buy presents for other people whom they ordinarily wouldn’t even want to give a cold to. It’s like something overrides their common sense and the need to give a showy gift overtakes them mercilessly, while inside they’re silently screaming, “Ha, I hate you but look what I got you, aren’t I a nice person? Aren’t I? AREN’T I???”

A big thing about Christmas is of course The Shopping! Now if you don’t do this early you’ve pretty much set yourself up for the sort of punishment only reserved for people who leave their cell phones on during a movie, in the depths of hell! Going to shopping markets that are so full it takes 40 minutes to find a parking spot, if you’re lucky, and then only because you managed to squeeze your car in ahead of an irate housewife, her snotty brood and their oversized jeep.

Then you have to brave the crowds, all of them as desperate as you are to find something good, something cheap and something NOW! You’re dodging old guys lost in thought (5 points), teens trying to out cool each other (10 points) and avoiding housewives who’ll mow you down with a trolley as soon as look at you. (Especially if you stole their parking space! Oh oops did I do a reverse Wheelie on your spine? Hahaha! – GAME OVER!)

Then you still have to find a present. Now women are easy. When in doubt buy a bath set (They’ll always smile and say thank you and then go and re-gift it to someone else) or chocolate (gods way of saying – loophole!) Guys are harder. I like giving funky socks that way if they don’t want them I can have them! Goodies baskets full of dried meats from unidentifiable sources and some dehydrated fruit that may be older then your daft Grandad Nammy work as well. If you absolutely can’t think of anything then you might have to resort to the holiday bonk. (Please note this does not work with acquaintances or relatives unless you are in the Brakpan area….)

Putting up the tree can be its own source of fun. For some reason this is the part where adults think kids are best suited to help out, proving yet again that hopeful optimism beats common sense hands down. Let’s get the smallest, clumsiest humans to put on the fragile, breakable ornaments handed down from generation to generation and irreplaceable, there’s smarts for you! And you just know someone else is invariably going to get twisted up in the lights or fastened to the tree by tinsel and require the Jaws of Life to get out!!

But I will admit that Christmas morning is a lot of fun! You’re acquisitive instincts have kept you up half the night and now it’s time to go downstairs and start ripping things open! (Ideally presents…)

If you’re lucky you’ve gotten what you wanted. (This basically entails dropping a few hints here and there to the respective party – ideally in 40 meter tall neon writing with little flashing lights!) Failing that you probably will end up with a lot of chocolate or just a holiday bonk.

(It can be a bit annoying mind when you had to fight off twenty rabid mothers to get little Jimmy his “commando death raider” only to be told that’s what he wanted LAST year! Strangulation can be fun but it really causes more problems then its worth as the toy is seldom refundable).

Then comes dinner time and the seating of family! This task takes wit, courage, intelligence and the ability to out maneuver Napoleon in battle strategy and cunning. You have to make sure Uncle Pete isn’t sitting next to Aunty Anne after their nasty divorce that involved a lot of hard feelings, anger and both of them bonking the Secretary. (Her holiday present – she would have preferred chocolates…) and to making sure your sisters don’t get together and start hair pulling and howling about how X stole Y’s boyfriend in the 3rd grade.

One thing I wonder about is why does everyone cook turkey on Christmas? Since when did it become the be all and end all of Xmas dinners? Maybe somewhere in the bible Jesus says, “Hey Judas old bean, pass us a turkey drumstick and let’s get this party started?”

I just think its funny cause I’ve been at tables where only two of the ten people actually liked turkey, but sure enough everyone ate it, because… it’s Christmas! Wonder what would happen if sheep’s head had been the dish of choice? “Why I do love a robust eyeball my good fellow!”

Then you have to hope no one topples the gravy, gets onto an awkward topic (“So how are those piles of yours my dear”?), or ends up “borrowing” all the good silver.
By the time everything is said and done you know two things for sure!

1. You’ll never ever do that again!!! And
2. You probably will

So to those of you who will attempt to survive a family Xmas this time of year, good luck to you and may you always have a weapon within reaching distance! For those of you having Christmas alone, well no need to boast about it!!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a yeah right! ^_^